It wasn’t love on first sight, but we established strong connection from the very beginning. Being colleagues, we would spend an hour eating breakfast together. He was just divorced then and was very depressed and lonely. I supported him by listening and offering to spend time together. Having many hobbies and traits in common, we bonded. He was ready to leave this sad country for a fresh start and when he told me about it, I felt devastated. That was the first sign of us ending up together. The catch is that he was monogamous and I was in a polyamorous, open marriage. Willing to try something new, he decided to explore being in a triad. There were regular times of drama discussions and many feelings needed to be communicated. From October 14 to May 2020, we tried the poly setup, which was not optimal. At first he was extremely obsessed with me and wanted me always. I slept twice in his place but we were practically always together during the day. After he moved closer to my place, we started spending even more time together, with me sleeping at his place every other day. At this point, I have grown more used to his constant desire to do everything for me and grown more attached to him. This resulted in me feeling less and less attracted and attached to my primary partner. At the point when we both realised the poly setup drained more than it brought joy, we had to make a choice. And I made the life-changing choice of divorcing my husband and moved in with him.
That’s where we are at the moment….me living with him but paddling between the two apartments for different responsibilities. One foot in the new world and one foot in the old world.
He has qualities that I admire and adore. I love that he is proactive when it comes to planning and taking care of things. I can rely on him in most cases. He is more communicative and attuned to emotions than your average Joe. He is intelligent, smart and maintains a calm, patient demeanor. He is sportive but likes being cosy indoors at the same time. He is financially well-off and takes care of all bills and expenses without batting an eyelash. He likes to play with Dillon…though that has gradually decreased in enthusiasm as he uncovers the hardship of parenthood. We have great sexual chemistry and there is no one I find more attractive at the moment than him. We are so similar in so many regards that it’s like a double-edged sword.
No one is perfect and it wasn’t just now that I struggle with his imperfections. In the beginning, I found him too clingy and obsessive. I was his sole obsession and he followed me everywhere, even wanted to wipe me after toilet or carry me to places in house. At the same time, I had to get used to his constant sweet talks. The men in my life so far all weren’t romanticists or sweet talkers. He knows his ways around words and if not words, then he believes he can achieve what he wants with money..aka presents. He had the goal of acquiring me and manipulatively pushed away my husband by subtitling commenting on his behaviour. How he does wrong with parenting or with me. He plays into my anxious attachment style several times by taking the risk to end the relationship and knowing that I would then come running. He said he is someone who gives 200% in a relationship but because of the poly setup he could only give 80%. But now that we are together…he doesn’t seem to do more than usual. He doesn’t like cleaning, and he doesn’t offer to cook. Instead, he always offers to eat out or order food. All this is not a big deal to me. What makes me resentful recently are the following:
He complains about my soon-to-be ex-husband almost daily. How he dislikes certain behaviour or how he doesn’t like sharing parenting or future plans with him. Once he even made a mean joke about his hunchback. And when I told him to stop, he kept on going a bit more…then was surprised that I got visibly upset. I was at fault of making fun of his bad back in the past but I don’t want to be that person anymore. He apologized and promised not to joke about that anymore, but I’m having a hard time moving past it because his apology didn’t seem genuine. He attacked me for doing the same and he said what’s the big deal.
He addressed Dillon as “the kid” and regularly has the “he is such a nuisance” look on his face when we spend time as a family. He like to punish and reward and tends to be a bit too dependent on screen time and too strict about Dillon’s antics and playfulness. He played into Dillon’s playfulness in the beginning but now he just thinks it’s annoying. He thinks Dillon is spoiled but he doesn’t mind spoiling him more by buying more presents or legos. We don’t agree on parenting on all fronts but having to see the look daily makes me really sad. But I want to believe that he cares about Dillon and loves being a father figure to him.
He has always been a sensitive person, and a little bit on the vindictive side. He has more and more problem with the way I talk. I tend to speak in a direct, filterless manner. On top of that, I get off from taunting and teasing, which I almost never do now because of him getting upset from it. I have to be careful with what I say and the way I say things. It has to be a question with a please at the end for example. It has to be a kind and gentle tone. He expects things or acknowledgement or reactions from me in a certain way and if I deviate from that, he would be sure to let me know. I then feel like I am the one at fault and that I’m walking on eggshells. When one morning I woke him up by grabbing his private part, but he ended up not being able to go back to sleep and not being able to cum because his phone ran out of battery and he couldn’t finish without porn, he would be extremely unhappy and brooding. I feel the air tensing up around us and I’d rather be away from him than being in there suffocating for an entire day. But if it’s him waking me up in the night because he wanted something, I’d better claim half of the responsibilities and let it slide because I also enjoyed it. One time we went on a day trip. I saw his phone slipping out of his pocket on the train seat, and because I was occupied with teasing him, I put it away in my bag. When we got out of the train, he got scared and yelled where is my phone. I told him I have it before he turned to get back on the train, but he was so mad at me for not saying it earlier and scaring him and he was upset for a long while. I was so upset from his double standard. Because he often took my phone or my keys and not telling me until I looked around asking where is my phone. This person gets upset or unpleasant as soon as he is not in control of something/some situation.
How is it that my comfort zones don’t matter as much as his?
How is it that he once encouraged me to be me and speak the way I do, then suddenly is hyper-critical about my pet peeves. I always end up apologising for not being better, for not talking better, for not paying more attention to something, or being overtly anxious/depressed or even my PMS. I don’t feel like myself entirely around him. He wants to see me when I’m the most comfortable and relaxed but in reality he wants to see his projection of me who is always at my best. I feel like defending myself, my ex-partner, my son, or even the colleagues we shared.
I haven’t even started on some other bad traits of his, like his rule bending attitude, and being very judgemental towards others. Poor work ethic when he doesn’t care anymore. Lying to get what he wants. I begin to think he is not a good person at heart and is actually very insecure so his ego is easily hurt. Double standards, being inconsistent and breached my trust several times. I find it hard to believe that we will actually last despite daily fun times together.
